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Battered Men - The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
Battered Men's Stories

Men's Personal Stories

Copyright © 1998-2012 by Bert H. Hoff in trust for the anonymous contributors

 

Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

Check out MenWeb's listing of resources for battered men.


Men's Stories - 2012

Many stories here ...
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." -- Joseph Stalin


You see on January 1, 2012 Bobby was shot in the head by his live in girlfriend and mother to his child Adeline Isaacson. ... My son is dead and Adeline Isaacson is still out on the street doing what she wants with whom she wants. She brags about shooting Bobby and how tough she is.

Please help us my brother was murdered by the mother of his child. We have been trying to get help from anyone possible. No one will listen to us. Detectives will not return our calls, States at tony claims they don't have the case yet.NCRA was no longer interested in speaking with me as soon as I told them we didn't have an attorney.The problem we are having is finding an attorney to deal with this sort of case, We have contacted every person we can think of to guide us in how to proceed on this, i have been ignored by everyone turned away by all media groups,news paper reporters claiming there is no story, Bianca Prieto reported Bobby as being first homicide in 2012, but has since told us When we get juicier info on the case let her know. i have included a letter from my mother posted on a petition she started on change.org also i added the link to the petition where you can see community responses, the prior artical written for the previous baby daddy of Ms. Isaacson whom was also murdered by a self defense claim, she has told several people she set up. I included a link to the blog also showing community concern. Please if you could help us or recommend how we should proceed or any suggestion they would be greatly appreciated.

This is my son Bobby W Root. This is the vision I deal with every single time I close my eyes. I hear the beeps of the machines that were trying to keep him alive every time the noise of the day has stopped. I still see the tears sliding from his eyes when I talked to him, even though he couldn’t understand anything I was saying.

You see on January 1, 2012 Bobby was shot in the head by his live in girlfriend and mother to his child Adeline Isaacson. They had been to a New Years Eve party and was very well intoxicated. And also using recreational drugs. They had been arguing the entire day and at one point we know Adeline had slapped him across the face. When they got home they continued to argue and fuss with each other. He had no weapon of any kind but, she had her pistol in her waistband. She pulled it out and shot him in the head. When she shot him the bullet severed the blood supply to his brain and then went into the part of his brain that let him speak and understand speech. So all the time I was trying to tell him that I loved him and beg him to fight he couldn’t understand me. He died on January 4, 2012. The day before he died Adeline moved in with her ex boyfriend.

My son is dead and Adeline Isaacson is still out on the street doing what she wants with whom she wants. She brags about shooting Bobby and how tough she is. All she had to do is say self defense. They did not drug test her give her any kind of sobriety test to see if she was over the limit for intoxication. An Orange COunty officer told us that in the state of Florida it is not illegal to have drugs in your system, just on you person. If she would have been caught with the drugs on her then it would have warranted a drug test. Or , if she would have shot him by accident it would have been wrongful death so she would have been drug tested. Even better, if they would have been getting along and she would have wrecked the truck on the way home and killed him, It would be deemed manslaughter, she would have already been in jail. And drug tested.

The only thing that was noticed was that Bobby had a prior arrest for domestic battery against her. It didn’t matter that the arrest was made when she came to where he was again intoxicated and high on drugs and started hitting him, with the baby in his arms, or that she ran him over with the car. Even the fact that there were people there that wrote statements of what really happened,. Bobby, being the guy, went to jail and Adeline, being the female, went home to sleep off her high. When everything was said and done they offered him, plea guilty go home on probation or fight the charge and sit in jail until trial. He was 24 years old with three kids. He chose what anyone would, the probation.

The fact is that the drugs and the alcohol took over the situation that night. Even with all the fighting and fussing they have done the past three years neither of them every hurt the other enough to warrant a band aid or even an ice pack. Other than on the 4th of July when Adeline busted Bobby’s face open with a pistol, again drugs and alcohol.







Whenever I speak of male abuse, I am met by disbelief and, even worse, laughter. We are looked upon as being friends of the perpetrators rather than friends of the victims, because all males are supposed to be evil and bad. I notice in talking with other shelter staff throughout the state that this attitude prevails in the other shelters, too-men are the perpetrators, women are the victims.
   -- Jan Dimmitt, Executive Director of Kelso's Emergency Support Shelter

In one case I recall a man had been out drinking and came home to fall asleep on the couch. His wife took an iron skillet and beat him. He was taken to the emergency room of the hospital and stitched up. He was taken there by police, but no charges were filed against his wife. My heart goes out to the men who call because no services are available to them, other than with a psychologist or psychiatrist. I have some doubts about many of them [therapists] as I feel they are back in the dark ages of how they stereotypically view males.

(Excerpt from Philip A. Cook, Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Violence, pp. 157-8. Interview with the author, 1994) (Kelso and the Valley Oasis Shelter program in Lancaster CA and "a few other places" are the only programs Mr. Cook found in the U.S. that serve men.)


Our son, nor his dad and myself can afford legal representation for him or his 3 year old son. The child is the result of their short lived marriage. Our family is large and so unfamiliar with abuse that we didn't see the signs or start to connect the dots until the past year of how dangerous and serious it is. The mother's dad and step mom have deep pockets and the mother has now went from supervised visits (originally ordered by child services because she was diagnosed manic depressive and admitted to other episodes), to unsupervised visits--(this is when the abuse against the child really started to get worse), and now our son has temporarily lost the right to visit with his son outside of paying someone to supervise the visits. The mother is blaming the abuse on his daddy. The two attorney's the daddy did have for a short time only took his money and did not get enough of the facts and the truth out that the judge see what is really going on. It seems no one wants to believe the mother is the abusive one... Even when there is a history of abuse and violence in her family.

When our son first started bringing her to our house and she would punch him in the arm jokingly, it did make me uncomfortable, but I had no idea that it was one of those earmarks that people need to be aware of. Is there any help available? Even an attorney to represent the child's best interests and his safety would be something. Anyone that knows how to play detective and connect the dots? It has been so much drama, it is almost unbelievable. It seems like the more she gets away with the more cruel her abuse to this three year old boy. The child is starting to talk and that may make things worse for her, and therefore she could get worse with the child. They had to do the baby exchanges in front of the police station so she would quit calling the daddy names in front of the child. Some of the incidents are out of this world... that a mother could or would really do such things to her own child.

If you can help, thank you in advance. We have reached out to dept. family and children services, law enforcement, the judge, etc... and there has been no help or deliverance for our son and his baby. The mother hates her birth mother and is/has been estranged from her. It would not be good for the baby to grow up and hate his mother.


BATTERED BY BAD PRESS: MEN ARGUE THAT WOMEN ARE VIOLENT, TOO
John Marshall
Seattle Post-Intelligencer
7/22/94

... a 30ish Seattle therapist who, under physical attack by his lover, was fending off her blows while trying to shield his two young children.

The man finally called 911 to report the attack, then left the house with his kids after striking back once at the woman. He says he was never interviewed by either police or prosecutors, but was later charged and convicted of assault and required to pay a $500 fine, perform 100 hours of community service and have absolutely no contact with the woman. His conviction is now under appeal, which is why he asked that his name not be published.

"I was dumbfounded from the very start of the incident," the man says. "I was getting struck by this woman while I was holding my daughter and I was the one who called the police."


I am currently sitting in a crisis recovery center because I was unable to cope with just everyday life anymore and I didn’t know why. now after being here a few days away from her I have been able to sort through my thoughts and learn more about the abusive cycle that many men including me, must endure from living with an abusive partner. I couldn’t understand why all of a sudden I just couldn’t handle normal everyday stress and that was very disturbing to me. I knew for a while before my breakdown something just wasn’t right and I wasn’t my self anymore. I felt alone, lost, angry, confused, unmotivated, and basically like the world was just closing in and I was trapped. its all apart of the abuse cycle and I was so beaten down physically, emotionally, and my spirit and fire also. my wife was so possesive of me, and jealous of everyone I paid any attention to. including family, friends, and even my own two kids back home. she would go to extremes lengths to control my behavior. she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills one night because after blowing up irrationally over something so small, I went for a drive to let her cool down. she then sends me a text message saying “this is what you get for leaving me”. needless to say I myself started changing my own behaviors just to avoid an unavoidable conflict with her. its no wonder I broke down and ended up here in the recovery center. I was literally cut off from all my normal support. my friends, my family, everyone. the normal things I would do to cope with stress and blow off steam, gone. if I showed any attention to a game, internet, book or whatever, she would blow up. it was like a sin just to have or need time to my self. I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom door while using it, I couldn’t have my phone without her being present to watch me and hound me who am I texting?, what am I doing? etc... her behavior was just like a two year olds. name calling, belittling, spiteful. but I was always the one acting immature according to her. all of her behaviors and actions were my fault. I felt so worthless, so weak, and had virtually no self esteem at all. I could never make her happy and the things I would do for her stopped being cause it felt good to do them for my love. i t became me doing them just to avoid a fight. I kept making excuses for my wife, she just needs help she will get better, she was drunk, she is just stressed, she has been through a lot. then it started rationalizing such irrationable behavior which led into me thinking im the crazy one. she would alienate me from my step son and teach him to disrespect me also. I was walking on eggshells at home. I hated waking up, but also hated going to sleep cause it would just bring tomorrow even quicker. I was just so low and beaten down I just broke one day at work. I snuck away found a truck at back of the motor pool and just cried, I couldn’t stop. I was so lost, I had no idea who I was anymore. it hurt knowing I couldn’t cope anymore. im normally a strong person. im a soldier and a paratrooper, I swallow my fear and it ignore it when it comes to the moment I have to jump from the plane. I have been through afghanistan and rocket attacks constantly and made it through. im constanly away from home and family and my kids but I manage to cope. this though was so different, I had no way to cope, she cut all that out of my life. its only after I finally admitted to myself that I am in fact a victim of spousal abuse. me, a victim, its such a hard thing to do but when you just ignore it and downplay the seriousness of the emotional damage and harm abuse causes, eventually your going to break. im so grateful that my breaking point only landed me here in a recovery center and not in a coffin. im learning now why I had the disturbing change in behavior and emotions. its all apart of the methods and process of an abuser and its not my fault. everyone deserves to be treated with respect and if you are in this sort of situation you need to understand that you cant fix crazy, you can either try to cope with it, or save yourself and get out. now im on to my next challenge and that’s finding support to help on my path to recovery. people tend to downplay the hurt, and damage you suffer emotionally. I used to take it jokingly also about wifes abusing husbands. that was until I found myself breaking down because of it. its not a joke and can have very serious effects on a mans well being. don’t make excuses, don’t lie to yourself and say I can handle it or im overeacting......your not. women can abuse, do abuse, and will abuse you not all women but it can happen to you is my point. men arent the only abusers. get help and as fast as you can!


I have had an experience with a woman that is something out of a horror movie. And while I am no longer in the relationship with her it is still severely affecting my life. The telling of this is going to take some time. And will not be done in this one email. But I need to do something, to get started somehow. I woke up from a dead sleep thinking about this and some searching found the battered mens website.
I met Laura Stewart Deronde at a party. Over 6 months we had a passionate and tumultuous relationship. We always argued, yelling. She lied and manipulated. She was hyper sexual, needed very little sleep. She drank stronger things than I could handle as if it was nothing. She went through severe emotional swings. She could be very caring and loving and giving. She would blame me for everything and never take any responsibility. I refused to back down on my own part. And I responded to her verbal abuse with my own. And i had some unresolved issues from a recently ended relationship that I took into this one. I was always fighting against her trying to control me. She awoke me from sleep several times hitting me and screaming at me. I left several times, but she would stalk me and become apologetic and I would eventually give in, because she wanted me and I wanted her, I fell in love with her against my own better judgement. Eventually our relationship escalated into a fight that I could not get out of, which led me to a conviction, time in jail, and I am now going through probation and programs. Somehow through it all I am the one who got portrayed as the way she is. No matter that everyone who has ever known me says otherwise, but that was not allowed into trial. The police and prosecutor did not bring the evidence from the apartment into court that would have shown her story to be a lie. No matter that I have never been in trouble in my life. No matter that she has a history. She has ruined my reputation in my career field, blasted my name across the internet, posed as fictitious people, cost me and family countless amounts of money now, and of course all the emotional difficulty. And I seem to have no recourse except to go on with my life.


I am sending this partially to date some accounts and I do have pictures and more to show it. I want a peaceful divorce but she is putting on her "victim" hat even though she freely admits in counseling she is the violent one. I sense some bad behavior possible and along with her malignant narcissism and possible bi polar mixed with the abuser mentality I worry about losing my kids. She has abused hitting,spitting ect my son too. What happens when my 7 yo girl the wife wants to homeschool starts into teens? God and love are the only true help


Hello. I am married for 16 years and have been suffering with abuse for 16 yrs. I always in my mind came to her defense and justified the abuse by saying it's her period or a pregnancy or just stressed out. My wife continually uses the children as a tool to hurt me. I'm very tight for money, have a large family and she refuses help. I don't know where to turn. I will not divorce my wife as I wont leave the children with her alone. Can anyone help me. Plz keep anonymous -(







I called police and talked to the DA and they refused to even file charges of anykind and then both hung up the phone on me!!! I called the national domestic violence hot line and basically the only thing they did was give me the number to internal affairs and told me to do a self help stay away order!!! In other words none of them was any help cause I'm a man complaining of Domestic abuse and abuse by the law!!!
... anonymous e-mail

My name is Xxxxx Xxxxx and I am responding to you from the Battered Men website. I will try to make this a succinct as possible, as it's quite a long story.

Two years ago I had a female roommate who was/is, quite literally, insane. While she was on her medication we became mutually attracted to one another and one thing led to another. Three months later her doctor took her off these meds and her multiple psychosis became apparent. I tried to help her for a six month period, to no avail. In this time frame I was hospitalized twice. Dodged flying knives, pots, pans, glassware, etc. I had an oak dining room chair broken over my back. Was struck over the head with a stack of hardcover books and had a water bed's frame cushion "jousted" into my lower spine at a full run. I had to call the police on 8 occasions over this 6 month period and having been an EMT, understand the depth of Domestic Violence calls on first responders. She was arrested only once for DV. I finally left my home during one of her "episodes" under a "civil assist", leaving everything behind that I could not load into a truck with 4 guys in 20 minutes (2 bedrooms, furniture, dining room set, kitchen, 17 years of my career Film Industry memorabilia, my whole life)... Furthermore she has 5 dead exes, ie; 2 husbands and 3 past boyfriends. She also told me of a woman she killed in a bus station.

I moved from Denver to Loveland, CO to stay with friends while I regrouped. There I received help from a local agency Alternatives For Violence (ATV). They were a wonderful resource and helped me put my life back together by assisting with housing, furniture, kitchenware and such. I was the first man they had assisted and I tried to return any favors, in any way I could. Things were very hospitable until I was asked by the director, a victim herself, to edit a video designed to assist in her fund raising presentations for a new Safe House. While researching this, I came across valuable information about violence against men and when I compiled this into the edit, I was instructed to remove it. This is when things began to get cold. Also, the staff who had originally assisted me, were fired at roughly the same time. There is more here, but I will move on...

Within my first month at ATV I was asked to attend a community event at their location, to show a males face. Here I met a female client and a local pastor who is also on the ATV Board. She (client) and I became fast friends and we also attended the pastor's church for many months.

I'll skip all the details, but will confide that after several months, I had a very very hard time in life and tried burying myself in a bottle. Suffice it to know that I had: 1) diagnosis with terminal Beryllium Granulamatosis Aug. 2010 2) Broken engagement Nov. 19, 2010 3) Terminal automobile breakdown Nov. 20, 2010 4) Resultant lob loss Nov 22, 2010 5) Eviction due to job loss Feb. 2011.

Please know here that I NEVER mentally, emotionally, or psychically abused this or any other woman. However; while I was in a detox center and seeking treatment, asked her to leave my apartment (where she was packing my belongings for my eviction) and told her I "felt like I could no longer trust her". This after I had learned she had requested an Involuntary Commitment upon me. (Overthrown by DA) Three hours later and 8 days after I had been in the center, I received a phone call from a police officer in her home town, threatening me with heavy repercussions if I contacted her in any way. At this point I knew she had filed a restraining order against me.

Through this rough period her lifelong history of domestic abuse (by alcoholics) was pushed to the limit as she dealt with having to watch me fall apart and self medicate with a bottle. I'm sure her reaction to my statement broke her down emotionally, resulting in her false statements to police, our pastor, my family and my friends. I also know that ATV advised and helped her to file the restraining order. I spent 5 months at a recovery center and met with the ATV board member/pastor 1 month after leaving. I also met with him today to discuss the restraining order which was filed nearly a year ago. He believes all that this woman has falsely alleged against me. And that regardless of the fact that one with a DV restraining order cannot be hired into the public sector, that I deserve it.

After all that... Where do I go? What do I do from here? This "man hating" (their own words - not mine) institution has aligned against me and I am currently unable to find a job in any field I have worked within, in the last 33 years. I AM a victim of domestic violence NOT an abuser. Yet this reverse abuse continues by cohesive alignment, conceptual stereotyping and manipulation through false allegation of the legal system. This itself should be criminal. She has lied and defamed me and yet I do not hold this against her. I would like to be able to make amends, get a job in my field, go hunting with my dad again, etc. I know after talking to the pastor that this is a personal issue with me, derived from those in charge at ATV, not through the woman who tried to help me through the toughest time in my life. Due to her dependence upon ATV, she is either unable or unwilling to endanger her position with them. She shouldn’t. She needs their assistance. But again, what can I do to clear my name? How can the financial, emotional and psychological damage that ATV has caused and continues to cause, be remedied?






Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury, because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a "real man" would be able to keep her under control. Moreover, the police tend to share these same traditional gender role expectations. This adds to the legal and regulatory presumption that the offender is a man. As a result, the police are reluctant to arrest women for domestic assault. Women know this. That is, they know they are likely to be able to get away with it. As in the case of other crimes, the probability of a woman assaulting her partner is strongly influenced by what she thinks she can get away with.
   -- family violence researcher Murray A. Straus

My thought on this issue is in-line with your research that we, as a public needs to be aware of the statistics on domestics violence, but I believe the numbers do not tell the whole story. I have been a victim of domestic violence. I did not report it because I felt that a man should deal with this issue on his own. Maybe this thinking process is a bit prejudice, but if I report this incident; my co-workers would have a field day with it. I really only thought that fatal attraction happened with the women being the victim, but I realized that men are victims of spousal abuse and elect not to report the issue in fear of ridicule from peers. As men, we are brought up to "handle" situations such as these. I met a woman that was nice and found out that this was not the case after a few months within the relationship. I had dinner thrown at me, I was beaten across the yard on the way to her sisters house, and lost my friends that I had at the time because of her actions towards me. I could not believe that her sister actually told me that she could not believe that I did not take action while she witnessed her sister beating me while I tried to walk across the lawn to get to her house. Sometimes the statistics do not tells the whole story. I would love to support your research, but I would really like to tell my story on reverse spousal abuse if it would help anyone else. I moved several times only to have her find me, and ultimately had to transfer and move out-of-state for this situation to finally end.


Domestic abuse to men happens more frequently than is reported. I have had a fully-adorned Christmas tree thrown down a stairwell at me (just one of many objects), a girl break into my house and try to beat me up with a hockey stick while I slept, and left my home countless times to avoid confrontations and police paperwork. I can attest to the plight of "reverse" domestic violence... I have plenty of stories. With the physical ability to beat up any of those females, I chose to avoid confrontation. As a guy, you learn that hitting a woman is poor judgment, and you suck it up. Of course, my personal taste in women could have been fine-tuned a bit...


You state "With the physical ability to beat up any of those females, I chose to avoid confrontation. As a guy, you learn that hitting a woman is poor judgment, and you suck it up. Of course, my personal taste in women could have been fine-tuned a bit". You couldn't have stated it better when you state that you could have beat up any of those females, but chose to avoid confrontation. I physically could have taking matters into my own hands (no pun intended), but chose to suck it up, also. And, of course, I could have had a better judgement of women, also. These things helps us later in life. I finally found my soul-mate seven years ago. My past experiences allowed me to understand and appreciate a "good thing" when it finally happened, but I will admit that my personal taste in woman could have been better in the past,


I have been having trouble in my relationship of 5 years we have one son together and for the past 4 years of our relationship I've been battered. When ever my wife gets mad all she does is scream and starts hitting me with her hands I have Bruses and scratch marks all over my arms and I blame them for work injuries I've never told anyone about my problem I don't have have anyone I can really talk to about my problems. I love her though I try to explain how she makes me feel and she won't listen she takes it as a joke and tells me I need to grow up. What she dosent know is that every time she hits me or calls me every other bad word in the world she puts me down I've stu k with her this far because she was my first real love but I just can't take living like this I feel depressed at all times the worst thing of all is recently she said she wished I was dead and that made me feel bad I feelt like the only Person that should be there for me is just sinking me down! Any advise?


I couldn’t believe my eyes when I came across your article—someone actually acknowledges that there is a problem here! I appreciated the tone and balance of your article, and the only problem I had was with the headline, namely use of the term “battered men.”: That conjures up visions of men in the emergency room with black-and-blue marks on their bodies, when (I suspect) that is rarely the true nature of the problem. Most of us “of a certain age”: were taught a couple of absolutes: “boys do not hit girls”: and “men do not hit women.”: Most men can defend themselves against their female attackers, but the real problem is the violence that has been initiated, not whether the man can defend himself. The answer is not to respond with violence (unless physical action is absolutely necessary for self-protection), but to respond in other ways — namely, seeking outside help.
     Unfortunately, that doesn’t necessarily include the police. When I was living in Connecticut, my wife—in one of her drunken rages—took our daughter’s baseball bat and used it to smash the locked door to my study, where I was trying desperately to meet a deadline (I was a writer, working at home). Mind you, she is 5’2“ tall and petite in size, so that shows what a person consumed by rage can do. And since I’m over 6 feet tall and muscular, I wouldn’t get much sympathy posing as a “battered man!”:
     Anyway, I had thought of calling the police that night. When I recalled this incident to my divorce lawyer some time later, his response was: “It’s a good thing you didn’t, because the police probably would have arrested you.”: He explained that my wife probably would have claimed that I bashed the door to beat her, and the police would have taken her side because of the “Torrington case”: in Connecticut.
     Well, a job brought me to the Washington, D.C., area. The first thing I did was contact a lawyer there, who happened to be female—and the local leader of one of the most prominent feminist organizations. She took this seriously, and told me I wouldn’t face the same attitude from police down here. She taught me to leave a “paper trail”: every time my wife went into a drunken rage. Call the police on 911, and get your side officially recorded by the police and social workers. I did this, and the response by both police and social workers was totally professional and helpful. My wife couldn’t believe that I was actually doing this, and after a couple of visits from the police fled back to New England one day while I was at work—unfortunately, with our daughter.
     I have two main pieces of advice for anyone—male or female—faced with domestic violence:
     (1) Get help. It may be best to start with a family counselor active in domestic violence cases, rather than to start with the police, but get help! When (as in my case) you are white, middle class and living in the suburbs, there is often a surreal aspect to calling the police—we say to ourselves, “This doesn’t happen to people like us.”: When we see scenes on TV, it’s usually poor people and/or minorities. Well, get rid of those stereotypes and realize that, yes, this is a problem that is present EVERYWHERE in our society!
     (2) Do not put up with the violence, as I did, hoping to work things out and telling yourself that you are “doing this for the children.”: The situation can only get WORSE with time—for you, for your abusive partner, and for the children.
     I’m sorry to go on at such length, but the mere existence of your article really released a flood of emotions, 10 years after all this happened in my life. Thank you for daring to report on this subject, and for doing so in such a balanced, positive way.


I am glad to see some attention to the idea that domestic violence goes both ways. Last year, my son was married to a violent young woman for a few months before he left her. He is much larger than her and is a one time amateur boxing champion. But he never did anything more to her than push her away and restrain her to defend himself. Nonetheless, neighbors hearing her screams got the impression that he was beating her. We have at least one independent witness to one of their arguments who confirms my son’s story. But I lived in fear that he was going to be arrested as long as they were together.
     She never used weapons, so she never came close to hurting him physically. But she hit him whenever she got the notion to, she cut up his clothes and threw them in the yard, she destroyed the trophies he had accumulated in various sports competitions since childhood, and she destroyed a wedding album my wife had made for them.
     Neither party was blameless, but the physical violence was all hers. If my son had ever hitten her, there would have been evidence for weeks.
     Women do not have the right to use their relative smallness and weakness, and the fact that decent guys are brought up not to hit them under any circumstances, as an excuse to declare open season on the men they live with. No one deserves to be hit or to have their valuables destroyed.


I was in a hellish marriage with a woman who had difficulty controlling her rage, which would frequently erupt with her hitting, verbal abuse, and screaming. If fighting with her did occur, it was self-defense; if she threw a punch or kicked, I defended myself. In one particular case, after she initiated a fight by kicking and throwing punches, she called the police to report me as the violent abuser! When they responded, I was seen as the bad guy, she was the victim!
     Attempts at counseling did not work, only separation and eventually divorce finally extracted me from this nightmare.
     I think the macho in males puts them in denial mode that they were attacked or abused. Society naturally assumes that the men will “take care of themselves”: and continues to focus on the problems of battered women. However men are also the victims. Society tolerates violent behavior in females while for men it is not. Take for example, the classic television or movie scene of the angry wife/girlfriend throwing dishes at the hapless male victim. No one gets hurt; it’s supposed to be funny. Is this domestic violence? Would a relative or neighbor who witnessed a real situation like this laugh and shrug it off? I hope not, but they probably wouldn’t consider this domestic violence, either. Is the woman in this scene accountable for unacceptable or violent behavior? Of course not! It’s considered cute and humorous!
     The recent report of violence against women should be taken seriously. However, it would be of interest to know who initiated the violence and what events occurred prior to the victim seeking a remedy. Violence in our society must be dealt with regardless or gender. Sexist attitudes add to the difficulty by creating conflicts between groups that should join to focus on solving the problem.


I saw your website and have been on other website dealing with the aftermath of the worst relationship in my history without doubt.

The tragedy of this relationship, which I take responsibility for at my end, is that I had worked all my life to grow beyond the dynamics of my family home. I had dated girls and had four or five relationship, each one improving, all with a loving, trusting base and all with amicable break ups.

Then, I met a BPD. We knew each other for three years in total. For over a year, just as acquaintances. I could never understand the strange rhythm of her calls or moods to call it a friendship but in some way, she struck a chord with me. Her description of the family she came from hit home, and I found myself opening up to what I thought was some sort of kindred spirit. How many times have you heard that one? Or the "soul mate" line. By the time I opened up to this woman, I was past magical thinking and soul mates, so she got me with other tricks.

To cut a long story short. I was in a relationship with this woman for almost two years and it was abusive to my core. I am certain that I have PTSD and depression but have managed to lift myself out of it and exist through a healthy routine of exercise, good diet, no alcohol or drugs etc. I almost lost my business and she tried to have me charged with a crime I did not commit and ended our relationship with a restraining order. This was her second order in a row as she also broke up with her ex husband before me, the same way. She has two kids to him and one to me. I haven't seen my child for almost two years. I sometimes think I am going crazy as there have been some calls over the two years from unknown numbers and attempts to befriend me on facebook from fake profiles using my school of origin. I could be wrong about this but I feel like I'm being watched. It makes me want to take a long shower.

The amount of break ups were insane and the gaslighting, smear campaigns were brilliantly executed. I have documented every detail of her behaviour and recording over 1700 phone calls from this relationship because by the time I was starting to become aware of this crazy woman, she fell pregnant with my child.

I have posted over 500 threads on a BPD site also which has helped me to process this nightmare although when I am touched by my current partner, in a loving fashion, I cannot accept it anymore. I never had a problem with intimacy or closeness ever, now I feel like a prostitute. I feel that I want detached sex. I can't explain it to well I'm sorry. I do attend therapy so have taken every step to be pro active about dealing with this relationship. I even took the hard line of deciding not to pursue her through the court system as she had already screwed over her ex this way and bragged to me about how she would destroy me.


For thirty three years I have been physically and emotionally abused by my wife. Divorce is out of the question. Divorce would mean fighting a no-win battle resulting in humiliation with vicious reprisal. I strongly believe the court system is biased against men to begin with painting a slanted stereotyped image that paints men as large brutes who victimize poor, puny helpless women. Addionally both phone directory and on-line queries only seem to yield only help geared toward men that are batterers or homelass. Battered Men appeares to be the first instance that seems to understand the plight of men. I am at my wits end and don't know where to turn. It has gotten me so depressed that I found myself contemplating suicide. Upon this realization, I flushed all of my sleeping pills down the toilet.

please help me.





All in all, I'm just amazed that nobody is willing to listen. Not the police, not child services not ANYBODY! I have tons of incriminating texts and a telephone recording in which it is very clear that the incident she called the cops on me did not go down the way she says it did. I'm screaming that i have this evidence at the top of my lungs and nobody will listen. WHY?????

I came across your website and figured to send you an e-mail since nobody else aside my family is willing to listen to me.

I became involved with my ex-partner in 2010 and in mid 2011 we had two beutiful baby girls. We moved in together after they were born and that's when all the problems began. The very first day she was there, she went into a fit of rage and through 3 or 4 unopened glass beer bottles in my direction because she thought i was drinking too much while trying to mount our new TV on the bedroom wall. I guess i should have known that was going to be a sign of things to come. About a month later, we got into an argument in which she repeatedly shoved and scratched me, ripped my shirt and basically attempted to hold me hostage in our apartment preventing me from going to work. This led me to call the Police and when they arrived at the scene she made up a story of how i was out of control and attacking her and since she had a couple of bruises on her which may have been caused when i tried to throw her off me, they arrested the both of us! They result of these arrests were cross limited orders of protection, meaning we can live under the same roof but just not fight, harrass, etc.

Fast forward a month later and we are having another argument on my birthday weekend, this time it's because she thinks i was looking at another girl at a party. She went completley ballistic, punching me in the face, giving me a fat lip and a bloody nose. My friends had to restrain her from further attacking me.

Fast forward a couple of months later and we get into an argument again and i try to leave as i usually do when she gets upset, she follows me to my car and prevents me from closing the door and after some shouting back and forth she punches me in the mouth. After she does that, i push her away from the car door to try and escape. Well after i leave (and she knows im not around) she calls the cops and files another false Police Report without even telling me. She called me later on and said "one of the neighbors called the cops, they came by and i told them nothing happened".

So as a result of this false Police Report i was arrested and ordered to stay away from my kids and apartment, Child Services got involved and are getting her all this help for "domestic violene victims" and the Family Court is only going to give me supervised visits. Meanwhile, im sleeping on the floor in my mom's living room and while paying the rent and all the bills for the apartment i'm not allowed to go to.


Everyone always asks me why i kept going back and, well, the main reason is that she always threatned to take the babies 6 hours away from me to make it very difficult for me to see them. I also like to think that if there is even the slightest bit of chance she could change, i out to my daughters to give it a shot so that they have both parents in their lives every day. But i just cant take anymore.

The abuse is not just physical but it's psychological as well. Her constant suicide threats (she actually tried hanging herself in front of me once) have taken quite an emotional toll on me.

Right now, she's back to her old tricks, trying to reel me back in. Although she told the cops she was afraid of me, she's constantly calling me and sending texts, with these crazy stories about how the babies are so sick or that she thinks shes pregnant or some other emergency that i have to come see her. I've caved in on a couple of times and gone even though im not supposed to (order of protection from the false police report) and it's always nothing. She just wants to "work things out".

All in all, I'm just amazed that nobody is willing to listen. Not the police, not child services not ANYBODY! I have tons of incriminating texts and a telephone recording in which it is very clear that the incident she called the cops on me did not go down the way she says it did. I'm screaming that i have this evidence at the top of my lungs and nobody will listen. WHY?????


"So I ask ... what do I do?
(One thing we can do is tell our stories ... often! If you have other ideas, e-mail me and I'll forward them to this man.)

I have been verbally and psychologically battered and abused, I've been threatened with bodily harm, I've been threatened to be shot right between the eyes, I've been kicked in the groin, I've had to watch while my ex sexually molested my daughter and not dare interfere for fear of retaliation.

Then 1 day, while my ex was grabbing and hurting my daughter, I reached out and grabbed her, telling her to stop. Well, there ended up being a red mark on her neck. She called 911 so fast and had me arrested, my head was literally spinning with disbelief. When trying to tell the officer that I was provoked and that she was hurting my daughter and that I was protecting my daughter, he told me that I had better keep quiet, I'd charge you with a felony if I could, he said.

We met at a singles get together in July, 1995. She seemed very friendly and outgoing and liked a variety of activities. We began dating, and in a few months we were getting pretty serious. In December, 1995, we became engaged. In March, 1996, when we went to get our Marriage License, she informed me that she wasn't 'officially' divorced, and had to file those papers first, then we could apply for the Marriage License. She never mentioned to me that she wasn't divorced or free to marry....I was a bit shocked. We went ahead with the wedding in April, 1996. Right before the wedding started,her friend Susan whispers in my ear that she would kill me if I did anything to her. I thought the comment was a bit inappropriate, but I smiled at the cameras as I walked down the aisle.

Just a few weeks after the wedding is when the big change seemed to appear. I had 10 acres of land that I lived on for 6 years. I was in the process of building a house on it when I met her. And it so happened that I had completed it just in time for us to move into a brand new house. Two months into the marriage, she becomes pregnant. What should have been an extremely joyous celebration for us, was tainted by the fact that she chose to take the EPT (early pregnancy test) at work with her boss and friends instead of with me, and only when I noticed an used EPT, that she told me that the test was positive.

At first, she adored the house and the country setting. But soon, she began complaining of the design......"I sure wouldn't have done it this way". She started complaining of the 50 mile drive to work. She started bad-mouthing the neighbors. Then she started bad-mouthing the land, then the local church, it's members, the music, the smell of the church. Then it was me. After she insulted and degraded everything that I built, my friends, the church.......I guess it was my turn. I was stunned at first, just trying to understand what could be going through this woman's mind. She no longer would do any housework. I would get up at 5am just to do laundry, clean the floors, clean the toilets, sweep the porch, feed the cats, and get breakfast ready for us. I wouldn't go to bed until 12midnight, because she wanted me to do extra things around the house, like change the light fixtures, change the electrical outlet color, paint cabinets. Soon I decided to hire a housekeeper once a week to help out. Now I'm lazy, because I won't do the housework.

In October, 1996, she was about 4 months pregnant, she informed me that she is moving out and getting a divorce unless I sell the house and move to her hometown 60 miles away. All during these months, I was keeping my mouth shut, trying to be the good and understanding husband. She now reveals to me that she works out with police officers, practices regularly at shooting guns. She tells me that she will have me killed or better yet she will shoot me between the eyes herself because she is a sharpshooter. She says that she doesn't believe in wounding a person.....she would shoot to kill. I have no response to this except to say that I don't believe in guns or violence, but I would just try to defend myself the best I can. She says that she would hunt me down wherever I was and "take care" of me.

You may be asking me why did I stay in this relationship of threats. Well, my answer is that I believed in the bonds of matrimony, and since she was pregnant, I would tolerate this as long as possible. Yes, I probably was a bit naive......but I was trying to keep loving this woman. Yes, I was depressed at this time and sought counselling. The conselor was understanding, and said, try to keep your chin up, it won't last forever. So I stayed in the relationship, constantly being bombarded with insults like, "you're worthless, you're a quitter, you're a loser, you're stupid, so fucking stupid". What was I supposed to do? I had already been through a divorce, I didn't want another one. i wanteda family, not a war zone, but what was I to do? I know how men are looked at by society. Men don't dare accuse a woman of threats or violence, or they'll be ostracized by the world.

Well, I sold the house. The very next week, she secretly, while I was asleep, takes the child in the middle of the night and moves 60 miles away, claiming that she was kicked out with only the clothes on her back. The attorney and judge give her everything she wants, and I don't even get to see my daughter. Nearly every single visitation, I was insulted and degraded in front of my daughter. On the day mentioned above, I go to pick up my daughter. The ex yanks her out of my arms, twisting her legs and making her cry. She then kicks me in the groin. I grab hold of my daughter with one arm, and grab my ex with my other hand on her neck. I tell her to stop hurting the child. She kicks me again in the groin, I fall to the ground, my daughter falls, too, and my ex falls on top of me. She kicks me again. Being stupid as I've been told, I get up, help her up to the sofa, pick up my daughter to see if she is ok(she is, thank God). I tell her that I should just go.....sorry that all this happened. 911 is called and arrives within minutes. I tell my story, she tells hers. I get the handcuffs and a ride to jail for 48 hours. Now I can't see my daughter at all. The police don't believe me, the judge doesn't, and I can see in the faces of others that all this is questionned also.

I would like to stay anonomous if possible. This is a terrible injustice.

I have 2 police reports of Communication og Threats, I have a Sprint Carolina Telephone File on 7 harassing telephone calls. I approached the magistrate with this. This woman magistrate told me that there was nothing to do because I waited too long. A days later, I approached another magistrate, a man. He sent me to a shelter for the abused for a Restraining Order and possible criminal charges. The lady at the shelter said that she appreciated all the work it took me to gather all this information, but there was nothing that she could do because between the police reports and the telephone file, it was several months. But she did say that she would keep my name on file for the future.

So now what do i do? Tell my story in hopes that others may see that this really does happen to men...that there truly is gender discrimination. I'm almost at the point of going public, even at the risk of being humiliated by many.

So I ask again.......what do I do?


Thanks for your website. I'm sharing my story below.

I've had an extraordinary year (2011) where my wife verbally & physically attacked me by hitting me on my arms and chest on 4 separate occasions, then kicked me out of the house, and ultimately deprived me from seeing our 1 and 4 year olds for 6 straight weeks, and then I could only see them under supervised visitation for 2 more months. After locking me out, she got a temporary restraining order by saying I was said I was planning to sexually abuse the kids. During this abusive time, I became very disoriented, and she took something I said and twisted it around. I finally got a good lawyer, she backed down, and we have settled on 50/50 custody. Now she says she wants to get back together, and told me our situation was so crazy that the normal rules shouldn't apply to us. I can see that as classic abuser language now. Looking back I realize she was controlling throughout the relationship, as early in the relationship she threw a block of cheese and a cheese grater at me (which hit my ankle). Although I was never seriously hurt, it set a "unwritten" rule that she would go there, and kept me in a submissive position. Her ultimate abuse was hurting the children when she kept them from seeing me as I am a very hands on dad, and they were very sad when I was not seeing them. It was amazing how much influence she had over our friends and the court commissioners just by acting scared and claiming fear without ever having to have proof -- just hearsay. She wrote things like: there was a suspicious car parked outside the house, so she called the police, and the neighbor wrote that I had made a joke about serial killers, and so she stayed clear of me. It's comical now that it's resolved but was horrible at the time. I also know of two of my male friends who's spouse hits them, and so I know it's very common, but just not talked about in our culture. I never even thought of calling the police, since I rationalized her behavior was reasonable (even though I've never hit anyone) and I should be understanding, and also I thought we needed to work it out for the benefit of the kids.


It actualy just happened last night. My wife came home and I had just woke up to go to work and she was ignoring me. I asked what the problem was and she started yelling at me saying she hates me and that I am evil and that I am the reason she is unhappy and everyone would be better without me and she doesn't care if I live or die. I walked away and she followed screaming at me about something we have talked about. She called me a bad father and evil and I told her to back away from me. She continued to yell at me and when I attempted to get my keys to leave she punched me in the mouth causing me to bit through my lip. As I proceeded to the bathroom to try and see the damage she grabbed me and pushed me into the wall.

I did not seek help as the week before she was punching me in the face while I was pinned against the wall and I lost it and pushed her away and pinned her to the ground and she said she would have me arrested because I had abused her.

My wife told me that she was sorry but she wouldn't get so angry with me if I was more attentive and treated her better.

I don't know what to do. I am trying to figure it out I want her to get help but she said it is all my fault so she doesn't.


I would like to thank you for the web site. There is very little out there for men that have been abused. This is more therapeutic of me telling my story.

I was raised with strong moral beliefs and one was that man should never hit a woman.

For 12 years I was married and abused by my now ex-wife. I am a survivor and not a victim.

When we were first started dating she stated that she had been abused prior by her partners. She became physically abusive in the early stages of dating. I thought that this was because she had only know this in response to her previous relationships. I sadly thought that if I just showed her that two people could have a discussion if I just acted right.

If I just showed her that if I remained calm and took it she would see that physical, verbal and emotional abuse would stop.

We married a little later because she was pregnant. During these first several years I called the police because I was scared for my sons life and my own when she became violent.

I was told by a police officer on the last time I called for help. If I called the police again to stop the violence that they would have to inform the state Child Protection Agency and my son would be taken.

Well that was the last time I called the police for help. Now there was no one to stop her because I feared that our son would be taken away. I would leave when I saw that an incident was about to happen or if one happened.

One day everything was going well when all of sudden she became upset. She started a physical attack on me. She would block the door so I could not leave. I tried to hide but she broke down the door to the bathroom and then the bedroom. I was scared for my life and our sons. I grabbed our sleeping son and him in my arms and she was still hitting and biting my arm to escape I bite her arm. I had tried to get to the car several times before but could not make it because she blocked me. Now I ran with our son but I did not have the key to the car because she took the key away from me on one of prior attempts. I sat in the car with our son on my lap holding the car door lock down so she could not open it with the key. When she ran to the other side I would hold the passenger door lock down. She was pounding on the car the windows. I was scared that she may break a window with a rock.

I did not know this lunatic person with the crazy look in her eyes. How can someone say that they love you and deliberately hurt you.

She continued beating on the car and screaming at me for 20 minutes. She went back into the house and I waited 4 to 5 hrs in the car before I thought that it was safe and she was a sleep.

The next day she asked me if I was going to divorce her. I told her that I was honestly thinking of it and I was not sure and I was scared for the safety of our son and my own safety.

As I was pondering life the next several days and no one to talk to. The Police Chief pulled me over and informed the was arrest warrant out for domestic abuse against my wife. Of course this was a curve ball of being abused and never lifting a finger against her or any women. She had suffered a cracked rib, scuffed elbow and bite mark. She fell and hit a door knob in her ribs and elbow hit the heating vent on one of her attacks. I admitted to biting her to get away from her.

The Chief of Police allowed me several hours to take care of things. There is no place for anyone to run to and he had me give him my word that I would not contact my wife.

Several hours later I put my affairs in order and turned myself in at the Police station. In horror and disbelieve I was booked. As they were booking me I had small scratches on my face from her ring when she was punching me. My back still had fading bruises and scratches on it. They took pictures of my face, back and arms.

I was in total shock and horror my abuser is out there and I am behind bars. How was this that the truth will prevail and the innocent will be not found guilty.

She pleaded with the police to see me in jail but I would not give them permission. The four months until the trial of course my visitation to my son did not happen with what the court ordered but when she allowed. I was just a shell in total shock

.

Two days before trial of Domestic abuse my lawyer told me the police lost the photographs of all my bruises, scratches and bite marks.

He said they offered me a plea deal or I could fight it and if I lost I would face 1 year in prison. Every fiber of my being screamed. The courts are to protect the innocent. How can God be so unjust. How can I being the victim be convicted of abuser. I was the man and women are the abused is all heard.

I pleaded no contest at my lawyers advise at this point with everything that happened this killed me inside.

Several months later my wife promised it would never happen again and I went back and she was scared I was going to get a divorce from her and that is why she lied to the police.

The abuse turned from physical and emotional to financial, sexual, isolation, intimidation and using our son.

A person feels they are at fault and caused the problems if only they did or did not do something. No one else would could love them. You become numb and they find another way to hurt you. You bury the bad things because you cannot face or deal it. There is no hiding or not facing it though.

As I finally got away from the abuse I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was a wreck with nothing. Sleeping, eating and functioning in life was a challenge. I was lucky to find a counselor that saved me from myself.

Society still is under the perception that a man is suppose to be in control and how can a man be abused by a women.

I hope my story may help someone or be a inspiration that they will make it.


My best friend was repeatedly physically abused by his fiance. Once, she called the police with a false claim and then punched and kicked him, when the police arrive they arrested him. Two long years later, he was acquitted of the charges. What a relief. Two weeks after that, after drinking, she starts a fight that ended with him shot dead. He never reported her abuse. His neighbors and close friends knew of it. She is going to get away with it because of the doubt from the previous charge, even though he was cleared of it. He was abused as a child by his father and was ex-military so he, like many others thought he could handle it, that he didn't need to report it, how far would it really go..

I am looking for some resources about battered men and court cases where they may have actually prevailed, a lawyer who has handled cases.. They are about to wrap up the investigation, and I fear that she will get off scott free. This is horrifying.


ive been a victim of Abuse from one samantha wheeler my ex and mother of our two children.she was arrested for assualting me and my mother since she was pregnant with my daughter i decided to not persue the charges.that was 3 yrs ago and now the tables have turned since i have a criminal record she has been able to lie and get me charged with acrime i never committed.she also has our two kids and was granted a no contact order from me and im unable to see them.i decided the best thing was to move to bozemen mt and go back to school since she was sending the police to arrest me for violating a nocontact order also untrue.i came home for cristmas and was contacted by her and she came to my parents home with our children.her main goal was to get pain pills from my parents she made that clear to us.since i returned i found out that there is ten people living in the small 3 bedroom home i rented for us before things got bad.one of whome is a convicted felon and on parole.also when she was here she approached my sister and asked if she knew were to get methamphetamines im in fear for my two small children but am helpless and dont know what i can do.shes a very skilled liar and knows how to manipulate police and the courts i read a article on your site that sounded all to familiar.if you can help guide me on what to do id greatly appreciate it.

     

More Personal Stories
Before 2012

A man from Washington state---
I am 6'2" and about 200 lbs. I have a solid background in wrestling and have dabbled in TKD and Judo. I am also a DV survivor. I am NOT a "victim"! ... I was awakened by her screaming as she came through the bedroom door swinging a baseball bat. She brought it down across my legs. I managed to avoid most of the blow and took the bat away from her by twisting it out of her hands. She went to the kitchen and got a marble rolling pin.

At age 42, I am 6'2" and about 200 lbs. I have a solid background in wrestling and have dabbled in TKD and Judo. I am also a DV survivor. I am NOT a "victim"!

In the summer of 1993 my X came home drunk and on pain pills. I was asleep in "our" bed having returned from a charity event earlier that evening. I was awakened by her screaming as she came through the bedroom door swinging a baseball bat. She brought it down across my legs. I managed to avoid most of the blow and took the bat away from her by twisting it out of her hands. She went to the kitchen and got a marble rolling pin. She stood above me in the bed and swung the pin down at my head shattering the light fixture above us. I managed to block that blow with a pillow and trapped the rolling pin. Again I twisted the object out of her hands.

She left the room and I got up to get dressed to leave. As I started to get dressed I could hear her screaming as she approached the bedroom door "I'm going to kill you, you son of a bitch!" Instinctively I knew that she had retrieved my 357 handgun and I was prepared as she entered the bedroom. No, I didn't hit her with the bat or rolling pin, and in fact, that option did not occur to me until I wrote this. No, I "locked" the cylinder and hammer with both hands so the gun wouldn't discharge... and I twisted it out of her hands. She suffered a minor sprain to her wrist at that point as I was a bit "motivated".

I unloaded the gun, finished dressing and left the house. I called her father from a pay phone in the hopes that he might be better able to deal with her. I did not call the police and I did not call a "shelter". I stayed with family that night. The next day I went home and cleaned up the mess from the broken light fixture. Her response to the event was that she was giving me a "pretty major plea for a hug". I guess I missed it in the translation.

Since we separated she has tried to run me down with her car. I did not report it to the authorities as I was afraid that the judge would further limit my contact with my child.


We've tried to find help for him but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It's a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It's time to stop offering help to someone just because they are a women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.

These people need help and I suppose the only to change things is to speak out and to speak out often and loudly. Tell every one you can and bring it to the worlds attention, so if this story helps please us it any way you can. Thank you for having this place to speak out.

I am telling this for my brother. I am a woman and I have to say that I know all too well that abuse happens to men, too. It all began about 9 months ago, but it's been a long 9 months. She only started out being verbally abusive at first, but the things she said were so sick and discusting,every other word was the "F" word. She would accuse him of doing all kinds of sick things with everyone from my mother to the friend of my brothers that she had just met. She would go into wild rages in public places and scream and throw food. It didn't matter where they were or who was there she would go off for no reason.

We (my mother and I) would plead with him to leave her but he felt like he could help her. She had had a troubled childhood,don't really know exactly what, she lies so good and about everything. Four months ago they moved in together. After about a week after the abuse grew into physical attacks. They included scracthing, burning with cigeretts,hitting with anything she could get her hands on, and biting. She would blow up and then be somewhat good for 6-12 days and it would start all over again. I'v seen him with scracthes down both sides of his face,she tried to ripe his ear off once and has burnt him on several occassions.

He never hit her back but would try to hold her of by grabbing wrists when she came after him, these were the only marks he ever left on her. He was bigger than her,he's about 5'11" and she about 5'4",that just goes to show size doesn't matter. Things kept going like this until about a week ago,she got really mad because he stopped by mom's to move a tv for her. She bit him 10 times including twice on his genital area and his nose. As he tried to get out of the door she jumed on his back,as he threw her to the ground the police bust in the door. They throw him to the ground and slapped the cuffs on him. They took her to the hospital even though she had no marks on her. Luckily they arrested her too.

We got my brother out the next morning, she had to spend three days there. The jugde ordered both of them to stay away from each other. My brother is doing that although she's been trying to find him. I moved all of his things out of the apartment while she was still in jail. He quit his job so she couldn't find him there and it was a good thing, she's been there 4 times trying to find him. I just hope and pray that she never does, she won't stop until he's dead. this little gal is going to kill somebody I just hope it's not him.

I would like to say he's been to hell and back but he's still got a long way to go to get back. We've tried to find help for him but all of the shelters just answer in silence. It's a shame how he was treated by the police and that there are no shelters or groups to help men, they need it every bit as much as women. It's time to stop offering help to someone just because they are a women. Abuse is abuse, it does matter how the abuser is or how the abused is.

These people need help and I suppose the only to change things is to speak out and to speak out often and loudly. Tell every one you can and bring it to the worlds attention, so if this story helps please us it any way you can. Thank you for having this place to speak out.


I know the terror that comes from domestic violence, in this case perpetrated by my mother.
   -- a Seattle man

Exposure to public discussion, pamphlets, posters, movies, and other media promoting awareness of domestic violence is a difficult for me. Invariably I experience a whole range of emotions: sadness, anger, cynicism, desperation. The whole of scenario of domestic violence is biased toward making males the sole source of the problem.

From personal experience I know the reality is quite different. I know the terror that comes from domestic violence, in this case perpetrated by my mother.

My mother's anger was intense. She obviously became out of control. The violence was manifested in both mental and physical actions.

I will enumerate several events I can remember.

My mother went on a screaming spell that was of such intensity and duration that it ended only when she had fainted.

Another episode ended when she threw something which ended up breaking a window.

We had a heavy duty set of matching restaurant dishes. In one of her fits of rage, she systematically took stack after stack of these dishes and forcefully flung them to the floor.

My brother was trying to get his studying done for college. Her yelling went on and on without slowing even with his appeal for some quiet. The only thing that stopped it was my brother bringing the police in the front door.

The domestic violence involved mental cruelty also. I can remember no positive statements by her toward or about my father. This usually took the form of criticism or putting him down for the lack of ability of different kinds. She criticised as nothing special the string of Christmas lights he strung up every year on the house trim. She put him down as lacking mechanical/fix-it or monetary talents. And weaved in these comments was a reference to his gender.

In a fit of rage, she picked up a bowl and cracked it against my leg. I required several stitches.


I'm not a wimp. But what can I do?
Some time I have to take physical abuse, like getting kicked in the back, or having my electronic equipment over turned and destroyed. Sometimes things get a little terrifying, such as the time she broke my bedroom door off it's frame so that she could accuse me of "not loving her." ... But, as I judge the situation, it is still better than the result of a divorce for my daughter Laura. If my wife were a mature adult, a maturely done divorce might be a workable solution. However, I can see from when that question has arisen that she will call Laura into the room against my protests, and insist upon asking her all manner of adult questions.
One man posted:I can't see all this battering business. Are we becoming a nation of wimpy men? If any man will stand up and let a woman abuse him physically or mentally deserves what he gets. If a woman comes at a man cursing and wanting to fight has a right to defend himself. In our schools if a small crisis arises we have to call in the counselors. Half of these counselors can't run their life much less advise our children. Is it any wonder men are being battered? I think if men would stand up and be a man instead of a cry baby it would solve a lot of problems.
His reaction is similar to that of many who hear about battered men.

Hi everyone. I haven't been around in a while, but I took the time today to set up my news reader, and decided to look through things. I saw this message from Doc and thought it might be a good one to reply to.

In my situation, the issue about my own manliness is not a question in my mind, but the problem of what to do when my wife begins to get hysterical is still a genuine problem. I realize that it might be hard to see through all of the catch-22 situations that men are typically put into in a wife-battering-husband situation, but they are very real.

Typically, the episode will start with her being tired, and then verbal abuse starts. Any question even politely stated may tick her off. She may direct her anger toward me, or it might get directed toward our daughter. Now, I have experimented with various ways of handling it and I think I can answer fairly informatively all of the questions of the form: "Why don't you just .... in order to handle the situation ?"

In the end, there is no good answer.

For example, you asked if we are becoming a nation of wimpy men. I think that on a social level, the answer to that might honestly be yes. Of course, the way your question is worded, if I answer merely "yes", then that would seem only to impugn the individual man at the individual level. Really that's not where the blame wholly lies. To understand that, really follow through the courts and media all of the cases where the men have decided "not to be wimpy". Your wife throws a telephone at you, and hits you in the head, what do you do? 1) Call the police ? 2) Throw the phone back at her ? 3) Try to "talk it out" with her ? 4) File for divorce?

Let's just go through the options. I have called the police, and I have thrown the phone back at her. I've tried talking it out with her. I have tried taking the baby and getting away from her until she became calmer. All of these backfired to either a greater or lesser extent. The least of all the evils was #3, try to talk it out with her. The end result of using this method as a policy leads to a tyrannical situation in the marriage where you literally have worse than a slaves life, constantly jumping to her every whim, and if she is really clinically unbalanced, then even total obedience to her will will not satisfy what it is that she really needs from you. She MUST hurt you somehow, and obviously so in order to be satisfied.

Filing for divorce might be a good option, if you have no children, or you can PROVE that your wife is sick, or has a flawed character. I must caution you on what constitutes PROOF, however, since video and audio evidence will in all likelihood get YOU locked up as either a pervert, or a felon, long before it will ever do it's proper work in the divorce proceedings. It will not end up giving you custody of your child so that you can protect your child from her mother.

Calling the police will get you locked up, if your wife is willing to tell the police that you abused her. Whatever you say in that case will not matter. If she does not say this, then it will depend on her admitting to the police that SHE abused YOU. If she admits to it, then they MIGHT take her into custody, or they MIGHT not, depending on other particulars. If she denies everything, or will not talk, it does not matter what you say, the police will never take her into custody on any statement that you, as a man, allege. Or at least that's how it worked in September of 1996 in a suburb of Atlanta, anyway. I think you will find this to be typical of all police department policies. In either case, your child will be AT LEAST as unprotected as she ever was.

If you throw the phone back at her, or man handle her in anyway, will she call the police ? Oh, you might be able to disconnect the phone, but who are you kidding, she WILL get to a phone sometime. You WON'T keep her kidnapped forever. And if she is clinically ill, it is doubtful that under such circumstances that she will ever calm down. It is also doubtful that your in-laws will be of any help to you whatsoever, even if they are generally normal people. In-laws tend to harbor suspicions about your ultimate intentions. It is doubtful that they would take the position that you are trying to "help" your wife.

Hence, you are back to the default answer. Try to ride out the hysteria. Take the bumps and brusies, the cuts and the scraps that she dishes out, and do not return them. If she responds to logic, then use it, otherwise, merely be silent. It is your child that you are doing this for, not yourself. When your child grows up, it is likely that you will then be able to get a divorce, and be treated fairly by the courts.

THAT is about the only solution that I see. If you choose to call a man who commits himself to such a life a WIMP, then so be it. But I am no wimp. I have more stamina than 99% of all other men could have in this situation. I can endure for the next 11 years, just as I have the past 5. As far as I am concerned, this is the most manly choice that I or anyone could have possibly made, and the most intelligent one besides.

I have certainly considered divorce. But, unfortunately, after 11 years of having been married to her, though there is nothing I would selfishly like better than to get a divorce, I can predict her reaction to that fairly accurately. She was raised to believe, that once the marriage contract was signed, that I somehow took delivery of some kind of "goods", and just payment for those goods is that I owe her everything. By this, I mean that she thinks that if life ever hands her a dirty deal, that I must somehow, find the power within myself to change the world, and to right the wrong done to her. Obviously, I cannot do this. All I can offer is my psychological support to her, and apparently, that is not good enough. In her eyes, I am less than a man.

She also has other expectations that I fall short of, but I'd rather not go into all that right now. I have expectations too, but after the second year of marriage I began to realize that she must be sick, and that I was going to have to put these expectations on the shelf indefinitely. After the fifth year, we became totally physically separated in the same house, because after having been thrown out of the bedroom under threats a few times (several) I could not find within myself the power to keep crawling back. So now, for the past 5 years, I have lived on a cot in the basement.

We still have a kind of family time together, and I stay just out of sight, but within earshot so that when I hear her begin to lose control, and do what I'll call "borderline abuse", then I involve myself as a kind of "bullet shield". I have gotten fairly good at redirecting her hatred away from Laura, and onto myself. Once I have accomplished this, the pattern is fairly set now. I am the big brute, and the "abuser" or the "wife-beater" (no I do not beat her). Something protective in her nature kicks in, and she feels that suddenly she must protect Laura. Once that happens, I ease myself out of the picture. Some time I have to take physical abuse, like getting kicked in the back, or having my electronic equipment over turned and destroyed. Sometimes things get a little terrifying, such as the time she broke my bedroom door off it's frame so that she could accuse me of "not loving her".

But, as I judge the situation, it is still better than the result of a divorce for my daughter Laura. If my wife were a mature adult, a maturely done divorce might be a workable solution. However, I can see from when that question has arisen that she will call Laura into the room against my protests, and insist upon asking her all manner of adult questions.

Every day, every week, Laura matures, and the situation for her gets better. At this point Laura desperately needs her mother. Of course, she needs her mother to act like an adult mother should act, and she needs her mother's approval. I would judge that it would be a little worse to disturb the current relationship, unless I had some assurance that she would not withdraw all of her affections from Laura entirely as a punitive measure against me; something she has done in the past.

Whether this becomes slow suicide for me or not remains to be seen. Currently I have my honor which sustains me. It would be nice, toward the end of my life to also retain the respect of my daughter, but that, in itself is not a requirement of mine. It will be sufficient that I stayed and was a good father to her. Or, at least as good a father as I can be.


I know your web site is for men, but I cannot begin to tell you how much good you are doing for women (or possibly girls too) like myself who have nowhere to go - Like the men on your Web site, I know women abuse - our mother abused me and my three sisters but like men also, no one believed us. I'm 48 now, but it angers me so much that for your friends and folk like me - nothing has changed.
...
What makes me so angry are all those information sites listing 'a batterer's profile' - everything listed to 'describe' a violent man fits my mother also.
...
I've found, to my cost, that women survivor places don't like folk like me - I've been wiped off message boards inviting women to 'share and care' because my abuser was a woman.

I've read many articles on your most excellent web site - in fact I have linked to many of them from my Web Site 'Abuse Hurts Everyone' at:
      http://www.stirling.u-net.com/abuse.htm

I know your web site is for men, but I cannot begin to tell you how much good you are doing for women (or possibly girls too) like myself who have nowhere to go - Like the men on your Web site, I know women abuse - our mother abused me and my three sisters but like men also, no one believed us. I'm 48 now, but it angers me so much that for your friends and folk like me - nothing has changed.

You just can't know how empowering it is to find there are people in the world who 'know' we'd not been lying - I don't know why it should be, but I find it makes me still cry with relief just to know someone knows that we'd not been 'bad girls for telling such nasty stories about your own mother' you know what I mean?

I just feel that everyone who can deny women are violent, controling, cruel, malicious, and capable of carrying out such soul-destroying inhumane acts against others, yet say they are 'working to end abuse' are morally bankrupt.

I've not been able to talk of such things until the last year - I think, because when we were children no one believed us and it really did make me feel 'it was my fault' I mean we must have deserved it or why didn't anyone help us? Anyhow, now I'm staying silent no longer - I know I wasn't lying then and I'm not lying now - I know what happened and don't care who believes me or not I know it was not my fault and I have nothing to be ashamed of - I also know that because folk like me keep silent it helps the feminazi to win and the general public to believe their lies.

I just wondered if it would be of any benefit to you if I wrote an article or some of my experience of abuse at the hands of a woman for your Site.
        [Yes! - Ed.]

What makes me so angry are all those information sites listing 'a batterer's profile' - everything listed to 'describe' a violent man fits my mother also. She killed and abused our pets - and took great pleasure in destroying our things. Even sometimes giving them away in our presense saying something like "Well, take these records for your daughter, Susan doesn't play them anymore do you Susan" Of course, one then had to smile and say, "No Mum." but not mention you'd saved up for months for every one because you never got any spends - nor did you have a record player - but you bought them because the words meant so much to you and you knew you could sneak them out the house and play them at your friend's house. There honestly isn't one section on any of those profile things that either myself or my sisters didn't suffer through.

I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for people like you, and Senator Anne Cools of Canada, I would never have started speaking out. I guess, although my past has been long behind me - I'd still so desperately needed to be believed. That knowledge shocked me so much and I know I cannot keep silent so no one else will have to suffer their secrets alone.

I've found, to my cost, that women survivor places don't like folk like me - I've been wiped off message boards inviting women to 'share and care' because my abuser was a woman. I feel that it's immoral - to say 'we're here to help women' but - it seems - only women we feel won't upset our totally stupid and lying version of the world. I'm dangerous I guess, because I know that women can be and are abusers.

Anyway, I won't take up any more of your time, even if I can't help you in any way, I'm so glad of the opportunity to thank you very sincerely for helping me to feel okay about myself.


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Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

 
     


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