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Men's Personal Stories

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Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

Check out MenWeb's listing of resources for battered men.


Woman seeks help for boyfriend

I have a friend named [deleted] and we have been trying to find help for him. He is in an 11 year emotionally abusive relationship and he is not sure if he should leave. Can you email him and/or call him> He gave me permission to find help for him. He drinks a lot and he is depressed. He feels there is no way out. She confuses him when he states his mind and she tells him to shut up and she doesn't want to hear it. Please help him get some respect back. He is begging for help and I need someone else like a man to help him help himself.

Dear [deleted],

It's fortunate you have a loving, caring friend like [deleted].

One of the biggest issues that men face is that they feel they are alone ... that other men don;t go through this. A second is the shame that men often feel. They don't want to talk about it.

But it's important to find someone to talk to, to confide in, to re-confirm for you that no, you are not "crazy."

This doesn't deserve to happen to you ... or to ANYONE!

I wish there were a place to send you. But most domestic violence programs don't serve men. These programs are not just shelters. Their main service is help in getting a protection order, a friendly ear and counseling, a friend in court, and other social type services.

I'd urge you to check out our Battered Men page ... ideas on what to do, a listing of the resources around the country I know about, and page after page of other men;s stories. Ordinary men ... just like you. Not "wimps" or "victims."

http://www.menweb.org/battered.htm

I'd encourage you to also become involved in a local men's group. Not necessarily one for survivors of DV. Any men's group. A local gathering of men or wisdom council, a church-related men's group, a "leaderlesss" men;s group, or maybe even a therapist's men's group. Get to know the guys and hear them tell their own stories.

We list some men's groups at:

http://www.menweb.org/menscoun.htm

Bert


Daughter seeks help for father after pastor-mother put her in the hospital

My mother is verbally and emotionally abusive to my father and I. She is a pastor, and they live in a small enough town that everyone knows where they are, and when they were at such and such intersection. Luckily, I'm away at school. My parents just moved to this town from a big city, and over the summer, my mom was particularly bad.

Now I am searching for help for dad.

I am getting help at school, and making plans to avoid coming home. Christmas scares me. The bad part of this is I miss dad. Over the years we have been each other's support group. After mom is no longer a part of my life, my dad, who despite many failings in life has always been a terrific, wonderful, fantastic father, will still have a part. Dad and I are both bipolar, and only our therapists knew until this summer, when some, but not all, of the family started to believe us. My mom has managed to convince almost everyone—including my doctors and counselors—that we were the problem and she was perfect.

This summer, her abuse landed me in the hospital, and my doctor finally believed me. I felt for dad—he had just been diagnosed with thyroid cancer and been released from the hospital after having the rest of his thyroid removed when he had to take me to the hospital. This summer we ran and hid from mom together.

When ever I needed support or encouragement, he was there to provide it and make sure I was safe. I only wish I could protect him now. I don't know why my parents don't get divorced. Dad has given me silent permission to seek help for him. He is in a situation where it is hard for him to do this for himself, but he knows there is a problem and mom won't get help. We made a deal that he would allow me to look for help for him if I got help myself.

I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I think I'm just frustrated that there isn't more help for men victims of verbal and emotional abuse in general. No one believed us. No one. Dad is past the "I'm a man and I don't want anyone to know my wife hurts me because they might think I'm not man enough"—He's taught me that real men are good fathers, and that to help me, he has to admit it and get help himself.

Dear [deleted]

Thanks for writing on behalf of your Dad.

Yes, men are reluctant to seek help, for the reasons you talked about. I'm glad yours has shown some willingness.

One thing about men - it's often hard or impossible to *get* them to go, unless they reach that decision themselves. Telling them to, and pointing out the harm they're enduring, isn't enough, sometimes. Openning up and listening—giving him a safe space for him to talk about this stuff himself—is a big step. Men are sometimes ashamed to talk about it - I'm glad he's past that "I'm not manly enough" stage. They can also think it's not that bad, or not realize how bad it is. Talking to someone about it and hearing from "outside" that yes, it is bad, Comedian Phil Hartman said he had a good marriage - he just had to leave the house for a while when his wife was angry. That was shortly before his wife shot and killed him.

I'll say what many people in AA and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) say. *She* needs the help. What your Dad needs is to *take care of himself* and protect himself. Sometimes leaving the abuser (the abusive person or the substance abuser) is just the sort of "push" the abuser needs, to get the help she needs.

Bert


After a while it came to hitting me and biting me more and more....I would take it until I started fighting back against her....she started calling me an abuser for that after everything she did. She said I was the one who was controlling....I was the one who was abusive after she spent a year hitting me and biting me.

Hi,

I don't know who else to tell....My wife had been hitting me, biting me, spitting on me for a year. She prevented my son from seeing my father who died in May...She tried to prevent me from going to my brothers wedding...Anyway, in the beginning I did nothing I would sit and take her abuse. I have had my eyeglasses broken by being accused of looking at porn web sites on the internet--she punched me in the face. Anyway, after a while she started taking money out of the account when I wouldn't do what she said. After a while it came to hitting me and biting me more and more....I would take it until I started fighting back against her....she started calling me an abuser for that after everything she did. She said I was the one who was controlling....I was the one who was abusive after she spent a year hitting me and biting me.

Anyway, on May 25th 2001 my father died and on June 10th I went to jail for domestic abuse because she had the mark. I got angry because she was so selfish and did not let my son see my father. He was 3 yrs old and saw my father twice.

I made a video of some of the marks she caused and it meant nothing. I have had to plead guilty to domestic abuse. The prosecuters were so desperate to get a guilty plea out of me they didn't care about what happened to me in the past all they cared about was their guilty plea. I tried to use that video to get charges filed against her, but they wouldn't.

I even have bank records with her signature on it showing that she was taking huge chunks of money out all the time, but it meant nothing since I was the man. I know there is nothing that can be done...all I have now is 1 year of pobation, 1000 in fines, 30 hrs of community service all because I didn't report my wife a long time ago for biting hitting controlling everything in my life. I know have a class B misdemeanor and there is nothing I can do about it all because of a law our lawmakers passed saying it doesn't matter who throws the first punch as long as there is a mark, not only that it doesn't matter what happened in the past, as long as the arresting officer notices a mark. It's truly a shame that laws like this are passed.

Thank you.


... I've seen her punch him as if she were a man.

I was with this guy who I loved quite a bit. I did everything for him, my mom got him a job, etc. I never, ever hit him or treated him badly. He was wonderful to me, always gentle, always kind. I'd been in abusive relationships before, so he was Heaven - sent, or so I thought. After being screamed at, beaten, etc., he was so wonderful to me, always buying me things, taking care of me when I was sick. After being alone all my life because my father beat me and my mom let him, I was so happy, I was grateful for him, I loved him so.

Well, he left me for my next door neighbor. The man she left said, at the time, that my boyfriend was going to regret leaving me, because Janice was really hard to live with. I found out within a few months that her ex was understating the problem.

A month later, which was the next time I saw him, he had three perfect half-moon shaped scars on his right forearm from her digging her nails into his arm when she got mad at him. I saw them together and she did it right in front of me, digging her nails into his arm, drawing blood.

We'd go to Perkins, and if she got peeved at him, she threw food and dishes at him, scream at him a little, then storm off like he provoked her. He didn't say or do anything to her at all. I was there; I saw the whole thing. In December of 2000, she had been badgering him so long he tried to kill himself. She actually encouraged him to do it; then, when he took the pills, all the sudden she was concerned and made him go to a hospital emergency room to save his life.

The next time I saw him after that was two months ago (September 2001). He had three more scars on his left arm from her clawing him. I should mention that she tells everyone what a lousy guy he is and how he does nothing but make her miserable, how he's not a man, how he's lousy in bed, puts him down, etc. I've seen her punch him as if she were a man.

He left me and our daughter so he could be with her, and he's still with her. It breaks my heart to know that the father of my baby is with a woman who abuses him physically and emotionally, and that it's only going to get worse. I should also mention that she tells everyone that he abuses her, but I have seen absolutely no evidence of it. I've seen her punch him, claw him, slap him, and otherwise treat him like he's worth nothing, but I have never seen him do anything to her. I've seen bruises on him but none on her. I do not understand why he's still with her after all this time, when she abuses him like that. Apparently I should have treated him like crap too, he'd still be with me then. And if you don't think that it hurts like hell to write that, think again.


My son has been abused during his eight years of marriage more so as I can tell at the moment Emotionally. He has been degraded, not able to have money or food for lunch, not able to shower, have new work boots, NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS, etc. We received a phone call last Fri. (11-9) He was terrified. I think he had been threatened by her family. We rescued him from WV and he is now home with us in NY.

There are children involved...one he adopted and his own who is a boy 10 months old. The mother -- in -- law had the father- I- law beat up and tossed aside in the hills but found by passerby's almost dead. I do believe that my son was also threatened. I worry for my grandson as they may treat him the same when he is older.

The daughter-in-law filed for a legal separation without my son there. She just asked for the money to pay for it. He is so uncivilized and needs to learn social skills as he has NOT been allowed to have any stimulus whatsoever. He has been sleeping on the couch for 9 months. He worries about his son also.

Could I please talk with you one on one? I would appreciate it and as soon as possible as I believe the legal separation papers should arrive sometime within the next few days and therefore we only l have 30 days to file charges or whatever we can for his purpose. Please contact me!

Breaking the cycle of abuse

Thank you so much for the links. I am a survivor of abuse from childhood to the man that is the father of my children. I grew up being abused and seeing my parent abuse each other. That's why I divorced my children's father because he didn't want them growing up in what I did and wanted to break the chain. I have experienced every kind of abuse you can think of and am constantly telling my children, I have a girl and a boy, that its not right. Even though they were 3 and 1 when I made him leave, the abuse didn't stop and they went through so much and I had to put them both in therapy in fear they would repeat my mistakes. It makes me mad that there is only information for women 95% of the time. I have had the hardest time finding resources for men. Please keep up the good work in helping men find them. Thank you so much and have a blessed day.


Brother's ex-wife used court system to further batter husband

I was on your web site today. My brother lived in a home that was constantly controlled by his wife. She would throw him out of his home after a rage attack against him. Slapping him in the face, telling him he was no good, tearing up sentimental things by stepping on them or throwing them. He has been also now tormented by the court system. For two years, she has had all her living expenses paid and receiving child support. You see, she put him out the last time and then filed a protection order against him. He was unable even with his attorney to look at her at defend himself. She also took control of the children by saying that he molested the oldest child so that he has to have supervised visits now for two years. I hope soon the truth will come out and this case can come to a peaceful end for all involved. Thanks for your site.


Every agency I contacted let me and my family down. ... She cut my chest open with her fingernails in front of our 5 year old daughter.

I am so impressed!

For 7 or 8 years, my kids and I lived in constant fear of their Mother.

I would fax and call the shrinks to no avail. I called the Police and the Coroner, and she conned them all.

Every agency I contacted let me and my family down.

I eventually walked out and divorced her.

She had beaten me on numerous occasions. She refused my 4 year old son medical attention. She cut my chest open with her fingernails in front of our 5 year old daughter.

The list goes on.

She now is a working Lawyer for a respected Hospital/University in New Orleans.

Unreal!


She told me that violence toward me is justified. She said that it is a way of getting my attention and it is away of punishing me.

I have been in a battered relationship with my wife. She has a problem with anger. She would hit me a throw things at me. She told me that violence toward me is justified. She said that it is a way of getting my attention and it is away of punishing me. Violence has escalated. through 4 years of violence I did the most violent thing. I though a bowl of salad at her. it was a big mistake. I regret it now. I am planning to get on with my life and make it better. I am going to counseling and I am going get better and be a better person. I know that future relationships would be better for me. I hope that it would be better for my wife in the future.


Mother wants kids to see her hitting him: As fast as she cut me down she started hitting me. I asked her to stop, but she kept on swinging. The kids came out of their rooms and were told by me to go back in their rooms, their mother said "no I want them to see this!"

To begin. I went to bed and was awakened by my wife screaming and telling me to go outside and bring the kids back inside, they were camping in the back yard. Rather than argue with her I went out and brought them back inside. After tucking my daughter in bed I went to tuck my Step son in bed only to find his mother standing if front of the door telling me I am no good, he doesn't love you, he doesn't want anything to do with you. I am a disabled veteran and I stay home and raise the kids, I have for 4 years.

As fast as she cut me down she started hitting me. I asked her to stop, but she kept on swinging. The kids came out of their rooms and were told by me to go back in their rooms, their mother said "no I want them to see this!"

My daughter came running to me and I picked her up, my wife drew her arm back  and I said don't you hit our daughter again, she hit her in one of her previous rages. I turned to leave and she fallowed taunting me and fell down the stairs. I put my daughter down and went to see if she was ok. She jumped up and started hitting me again. I told her to leave, she said NO you leave. She then went to get her car keys, I said you are not taking the car your drunk, so she grabbed her son's hand and went out the front door saying he is not yours she is you can have her. I said to her that I am going to make sure that her son went back to his father. She came running back at me swinging again. This time she also told her son to start hitting me. I told her to stop, she wouldn't.

I realized the only way to get her to stop was to defend myself and hit her. I did. She still didn't stop she started to throw things at me. The neighbors knocked at the door and she said Now you are going to jail. She ran out with the neighboors and the police came.

The police arrested me and charged me with assult 4 DV. for defending myself. Now it is going to trial, even though my wife has a previous history of battering, she was hitting me broke my nose, scrached my back and arms, bloodied me up, I called the police, the police took her to the hospitol for sucide watch, no charges were filed, and admitted to causing the whole incident.

The state still wants to prosecute. My wife knows about her problems and is seeking help for them. I just want to state that the system is supposed to help families not destroy them. It would seem that the state has a one size fits all kinda attitude. It is not the truth. This is another reason why men do not report abuse by their wife.


Woman seeking help for brother: I called the local phone book number for domestic violence to look for a support person or group for him and learned from the lady on the phone that there is not a spouse abuse hotline for men, only for women. I was appalled at the discrimination against men. Then she told me that many men don't report it and they didn't feel there was a need for a hotline. I thought a lot about what she had to say after we hung up. I began to think, well, if they would establish a support hotline, men may begin to call. If there isn't one, how do they know men won't report it or call for support? ... I have spoken with my local church about the possibility of helping establish a support group for men.

Hello,

Thank you so very very much for posting information about battered men. My brother is suffering from abuse from his live in girlfriend of approximately 3 years. I called the local phone book number for domestic violence to look for a support person or group for him and learned from the lady on the phone that there is not a spouse abuse hotline for men, only for women. I was appalled at the discrimination against men. Then she told me that many men don't report it and they didn't feel there was a need for a hotline. I thought a lot about what she had to say after we hung up. I began to think, well, if they would establish a support hotline, men may begin to call. If there isn't one, how do they know men won't report it or call for support?

My brother has been facing 2 recent charges from Vicki for crimes. In research of Vicki's past, she has a history of man abuse of former husbands, one which had to go to jail for a year because she accused him of abuse. In actuality, she is the abuser. She told my brother this summer that she hates men (she was abused as a child by the males (brother and possibly father, in her home).

My brother was recently relieved of her accusation of sodomy. I sat in the courtroom during the case. The judge apparently saw right through the lies.

Now he faces another charge on Nov. 7 in court, in which she claims he threw her across the room and she fell and hurt her wrist. My brother said she pulled the phone out of my brother's hand, fell over the chair. The police officer she called, claiming my brother threw her, says she saw a bruise on her wrist. The officer apparently arrived within approximately 10 minutes from the call. We are wondering how a bruise could form that quickly from a minor injury. It was apparently healed quickly, no fracture, sprain, etc. from what I understand. We think she may have 'doctored' up her arm with black and purple makeup such as eyeshadow makeup just prior to the officer's arrival. She apparently "stages" appearances for officers.

My brother has said she frequently has sudden outbursts, is an alcoholic, has beat her teenage daughter on more than one occasion, almost smothering her to death in one instance. My brother has witnessed her slapping her daughter.

My brother spoke of many abuses by Vicki, however, he said he loved her and wanted to help her. He knew she had no family support (they had disowned her previously). He tried to convince her to get help. She would say she would, then would come up with a reason why she didn't.

Do you know where any information can be found regarding how long it takes for a bruise to form from falling onto the floor?

My brother spoke with a dentist friend who said he felt a bruise could appear within about 15 minutes but it would only happen from a very severe injury, of which Vicki did not sustain.

Thank you so much!! I have spoken with my local church about the possibility of helping establish a support group for men. I plan to speak with another person today that has returned my call and said she is very anxious to hear what I have in mind about helping the support/recovery ministry.

My brother will face one year in jail if there is a guilty verdict on Nov. 7. My sister and mother and I have been trying to figure out how to help. He has an attorney however, the attorney tells my mother that we shouldn't worry. How can we not? He is my only brother. We would love him even if he was one of 5 brothers. We don't want to see him suffer from Vicki's fraudulent claims. We have no where to turn since there is not a men's support group. Vicki has the help of the women's spouse abuse group (they accompanied her to the court for the sodomy charge last month) since she is claiming he is the abuser- how discriminatory is that? My brother said Vicki learned a while ago that sodomy carries a 5 to 10 year prison term, so we think she wanted to get him in the worst way by charging him with something that has a lengthy prison term. Thank God the judge felt is was not a valid charge at the court hearing.

I want to commend you for your efforts to get a church men's support group started! The attitude of the woman on the hot-line is typical. I agre with you that if there were a hot-line for men, more men would call and seek the services they need.

      Bert


I came upon your site while trying to find information for a report for an oral communications class. I am hoping that even though I am only speaking to my class, someone will be helped by the information I provide. It is so sad to see that this is an one-sided situation. There should be no difference of your sex if you are abused, physically or emotionally.

Hi, I was an abused female. I have been out of the relationship for some years now. I have been in counseling for over a year and have just sucessfully finished it up. I was abused emotionally and phycically. My reosources were for help were all there. Everyone was wonderful, I came in, told my story and the people were right there to help me fill out the paperwork and send me to the right places. I had a temporary PFA before the day was out. I assumed this is how the system worked for everyone, male or female.

One of my good friends, male, came to me one day for help. His ex-girlfriend had shut his head in the car door. He had, I think, 14 stitches to his ear. He was told to go and file a PFA against her, as this was not the first incident. He went to the exact same place that I had got mine. He was told they didn't have time to help him feel out his paperwork. Take it home, have someone help him and bring it back. Of course, he felt as if they didn't care about him or what happened to him and never went back.

My ex-boyfriend, who is wonderful and would never hit a woman, was somewhat in the same situation. His ex-girlfriend tried to shove her way in the bathroom while he was getting ready for work. She had already hit him and was verbally abusing him. He shoved the door hard to get it shut nad keep her away from him. In the process, she got shoved by the door. She called 911 and told them he was abusing her. When the state police got there, she told them he had hit her. She also told them that it was her place of residence. He was taken into custody and booted out of his own residence. His sister had the title to the home, once it was found, then he was allowed back into HIS home. However, he did end up with court cost and fines. Nothing happened to her. She played the victim and won. He had no support, other than family and friends that knew he was the abused and not her. The system is definetly there for women, but not men.

I came upon your site while trying to find information for a report for an oral communications class. I am hoping that even though I am only speaking to my class, someone will be helped by the information I provide. It is so sad to see that this is an one-sided situation. There should be no difference of your sex if you are abused, physically or emotionally.

You have my permission to post this, but I wish to remain anomonous.

Hopefully someday, the same help and understanding abused women get, men will too.


The mistake I made was defending myself and restraining my partner of the time.

Hello

I am from Central Australia my name is Will Rogers

I am a man who has a reason to believe in abuse towards men, I lived with a woman for about 4 years and suffered both physical and mental abuse throughout the relationship. I will be attending a trial this up and coming Thursday to defend my self in court against allegations of assault.

The mistake I made was defending myself and restraining my partner of the time.

After abusing one of her children for wetting her bed at 3am my partner returned to bed, I was appalled at the way she had abused her daughter by calling her names and yelling until her child was cringeing into a corner. I told my partner that, the way she talked to her children was off and that I was sick of her behaviour. She replied by punching me square in the face. This was in a dark room and I was totally un aware that she would punch me. I made the mistake of trying to restrain her so I wouldnt receive any other blows. I sat on top of her and yelled at her that she shouldnt do that and stuck my finger in her ear. She attacked me more and I pulled away from her. She lunged at me and I warded off her blows, The altercation stopped shortly after and we both returned to bed. I went to work the following day and nothing more was said about the incident. A few weeks later The police came and visited me and said that my parrtner wanted the police to have a talk to me andthat she didnt want to press charges. I told the Police my side of the story and they left. My partner went away to her family for holidays for a month and nothing else was said

.

When my partner returned we had futher arguments and I decide that I wanted to leave and take the child we had together. I have been succesful in the Family Court and have kept my child in my care for the last 14 months.

Since then she has abused me the people at my work harassed me in the street.......and so on.

I m not a lawyer and have spent most of my savings in the Family Court and dont have the money needed to hire another Lawyer to defend me at this hearing.

I was hoping that somebody could give me advice on how to handle this in the next few days.


In fact, during our marriage I never thought of myself as abused, although I was afraid of her.

In my previous marriage, I was the "victim" of domestic violence. I don't think I was a stereotypical "battered husband" in that my spouse was not a heavy drinker or consistently throwing the dishes at me. In fact, during our marriage I never thought of myself as abused, although I was afraid of her.

She was manipulating, and controlling. Finances, sex, holidays, the weekend calendar, which relatives we could see and what not. My opinions seldom entered into the picture.

During the divorce, she humiliated me -- made me feel that all was my fault. And in the process did manage to control that as well (quitting her job and asking for alimony, demanding full custody, siphoning off our assets to god knows where prior to the divorce).

I attempted suicide twice in the process. Removed from my children, financially destroyed, humiliated.

But what I learned was this. She WAS abusive, but I was far too WEAK. I had accepted things for years. Gave in rather than pushed back -- complied rather than participated. I too had abandon the relationship. Choosing to abdicate rather than accept responsibility for the relationship with her.

She is still volitle, threatining, and sometimes I do worry for the kids. However, I have been able (successfully) to challange the visitation times with my children, and to have a better relationship with them.

I still find elements of fear in my being. But I realize that strength is not what force we apply to a situation, but force (as my ex-wife had applied) is a weakness for those who do not have the inner fortitude to cooperate and work. I try to deal with her on that ground now on issues regarding the children, and I think my last victory in court (if a legal decision can be called a victory) helped drive that point home.

I am not a changed man, but I no longer tollerate her controlling behavior.

If you can, direct that message to other men. The process of becoming a peer in a destructive relationship (or just getting out) means that you have to become assertive, and communicative. It also means that you have to be tempered, consistent, and stable. They are hard things to do -- without your spouse jumping out and trying to kill you. Threaten you, or what ever.

The other option of course, is get out when you can.

Sadly it depends on what can be repaired and what will never be repaired.

But the repair starts inside.

I was unable to communicate the humiliation I endured over the years with my ex-wife. I was unable to communicate the fears I felt. I was unable to respond in the divorce process. I was unable to face the humiliation I received in the settlement.

But the key was communication all along. I was unable to face myself. Face my own fears. And once those had been controlled. I was no longer dealing with those issues.

Battering begins within ones self.


She would go into these rages and when I wouldn't do what she wanted, or threaten to leave she would file either child abuse or PFA's against me. I left my wife two years ago because of her abuse. She would punch, scratch, kick, pull my hair. Thats not the worst of it. She would go into these rages and when I wouldn't do what she wanted, or threaten to leave she would file either child abuse or PFA's against me. I have proof by witness that she did these things. Anyway to make a long story short, after I left she filed for spousal support. Her two children are from her prior marriage. The courts didn't want to hear about a man being abused and granted her support. It's in appeal now, six months old and the judge has not made a decision yet. I'm paying this women 780.0 a month for spouse support because she abused me. Right before left she pulled a loaded gun on me. I'm very bothered by all of this and it seems their is nothing I can do.

This has been going on for over 10 years. Almost every aspect of my normal life or way of living has been systematically challenged or threatened with divorce. Stories are told to her family members that then stop speaking to me and treat me disrespectfully, in public. Neighbors and friends are next and I never know who has been told what story. The extent of our disagreements has escalated to name calling only, which is bad enough. I had an order of protection filed against me, we live in Illinois. Anyone can file an order and get away with it. The Judge dismissed it because it was determined to be inaccurate. Then divorce papers were drawn up about 3 months ago and signed but not filed to add pressure. I do not know what this person is trying to do to me. I have suspected another man. She wants more time alone and goes out with single friends until 2-3am and tells me she was with other men. She likes attention, her mother rules her father and the entire family. Her mother calls me names as well as her sister, vulgar names. She has gone on Caribbean Cruse this year with her sister, men again and no details of cruise. She is a NON at-home-mom, playing tennis twice a week, bunko 3 times a month, Tea's, lunches with friends, always something or some reason not to be at home with the 2 boys and/or me. Asks for more time away alone. Heavy phone usage, 8/23/99 - 9/22/99 a total of 544 phone calls. This is more than I use and I run a business out of the house. I have sought help, she is a master of derailing counselors. We normally spend 60-70% of the time listening to her complaints. We never seem to be able to move forward with working on a solution. According to Mary, all of the problems or at least 99.99% are due to me and I am incorrect or lying about everything else. She committed to working on the relationship 100% but refuses to drop the divorce papers and retainer of her attorney. I finally retained an attorney last week and will file for divorce next week. I did not know what else to do. We have 2 boys and I am already overwhelmed at the grief, hurt, pain, and confusion they will go through. I will suggest joint custody with me being the residential parent. I am now doing research via the internet to help myself in this next most difficult struggle.

I apologize if this seems like rambling but there is an enormous amount of psychological baggage to go through. Please feel free to forward any info you think might help me in my situation.


He didn't get out soon enough. ... She killed him. My brother was the victim of domestic abuse. Unfortunately he did not get out soon enough. He always said he would--sometimes he did, but he always went back. She killed him. Now we are dealing with a DA who says, "It's just different, we don't put women in jail for killing men when they claim self-defense." Please, I would like to visit with you about the entire story; it is one of disbelief. If you are interested, please e-mail me back. I would like to talk more.

So what's the big deal? I never really got close to a man I didn't want to slap the crap out of every now and then.

I have visited your site a few times and find it fascinating! I am a 42 year old female that has pretty much been abusing the men in my life since I was a teenager. Boyfriends, spouse etc, for a long time it was just the "significant others" , recently I lash out at male clients and male business associates. It seems as if a large percentage of my victims enjoy it! So what's the big deal? I never really got close to a man I didn't want to slap the crap out of every now and then.

     The Happy Slapper

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Note: If you have been the victim of domestic violence, please e-mail me and tell me about it. What happened? Did you tell anyone about it? Why or why not? Did you seek help? Why or why not? If you did seek help, did you get it? May we publish your story here? We'll do it anonymously, unless you give specific permission to use your name and/or e-mail address.

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Domestic Violence in Washington: 25,473 Men a Year
According to the National Violence Against Women Survey, 1,510,455 women and 834,732 men are victims of physical violence by an intimate. In Washington, that's 42,824 women and 25,473 men. That includes 2,754 on whom a knife was used, 5,508 threatened with a knife and 11,016 hit with an object. Here are the data.

Help for Battered Men Practical suggestions, Hotline numbers, on-line resources. Print it out and hand it to a man you think may be battered--your caring opens him up to talking about it.

What's Wrong with the Duluth Model? The "Duluth Model" is the approach most widely used for perpetrator treatment--but it gender polarizes the "people problem" of domestic violence.. What's wrong with the Duluth Model? It blames and shames men. It's based on ideology, not science. It ignores drinking, drugs and pathology. Only one cause, only one solution. There's no real evidence it works. It ignores domestic violence by women. Women who need help can't get it. It's taught by wounded healers.

Latest Research Findings National Violence Against Women survey shows 37.5% of victims each year are men. Men are at real risk of serious physical injury. Murray A. Straus looks at controversies in DV research. Martin Fiebert examines reasons women give for assaulting men. JAMA emergency room study shows equal number of men, woman victims.

 
     

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